Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my stocks plumeth again.....can I get a welfare check?....

   I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.

   Taking a bullet for someone is nothing. Take a nuclear warhead to the chest, now that's impressive....

   Verizon guy: Your new phone is water resistant. Me: Oh, good. Cuz I cry a lot.

   Ya know, that damn commercial lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!

   Not very happy with my new microphone but I'll hang on to it in case I ever want to make a video that sounds like I'm at the bottom of a well shouting into an empty beer can.

   Damn ... guess yet again I bought all of those Jumbo sized condoms for nothing!! Oh well ... Looks like i'm having another big post Valentines day Water Balloon drop off my balcony tomorrow.

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to spend more time in the s#*tter at work.

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit

   I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil

   Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show.

   I'm watching the Puerto Rico Open on TV and I don't a single one of the golfers is Puertorican...

   Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692

   Mexico has the FBI. The American equivalent of The girl scouts.

   “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” and “Sorry Daddy I’ve been bad” both mean very similar things, but have wildly different connotations

   I know French too: Jean val Jean is French for "pants more pants"

   Just had a bowl of generic Frosted Flakes. They’re grrrrrrrr.......okay I guess.

   Mom raised me to believe saying "Shut up" was the worst thing you could say to someone, but I knew I could be so much more

   Not all superheroes wear capes. Some of them tag you in memes.

   With the time difference between the eastcoast and westcoast. When you air travel from east to west. You literally are time traveling to a time that you already experienced.