Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My R&B playlist is dangerous. It almost guarantees pregnancy

   The definition of surprise: a fart with a lump in it.

   Someone gave me a free pen without their knowledge today. Well, I took a pen.

   So I asked her “what is that alluring perfume you’re wearing “ and she says “OFF Mosquito repellent “ Gets me every time!

   What business makes money by driving their customers away........ A taxi.

   Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.

   If change is good, exact change is even better.

   Turns out the Canary Islands doesn't have any canaries. Just like the Virgin Islands doesn't have any.

   In the future Frosty the puddle, will take the place of Frosty the snowman,

   The last place to celebrate the New Year's eve celebration is the tiny north pacific Island Midway Atoll with the population of about 60.

   My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.

   My mother never saw the iorny in calling me a s.o.b.

   Technology has improved men's sex lives over the last 20 years! The pages of Porn-tube don't get stuck together!

   Why do people get angry when you say F you, or give them the finger ? But not when you say srrew you or up yours ? Don't they all mean the same thing ?

   Kentucky man catches 20lb goldfish. Bet that willbe hard to flush down the toilet.

   Samsung devices can now run 3 apps simultaneously while you can't even hover past incoming calls on the iPhone😩

   Had an absolutely amazing dream last night I feel could change mine and quite possibly millions of other people's lifes forever! if I could just remember what it was about?

   It’s like no one is talking about how Game of Thrones fans are due for a world of hurt very soon

   Okay, time to be productive!....or in other words log out of facebook. Which by the way is the secret to my success.

   Happy Revenge of the Sixth, everyone!