Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 4937 of 6446

   messageicon Want to save money this Valentine's day? Better get started on ending the relationship you're in.
←Rate | 02-07-2012 13:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I must be cruel only to be kind. Yes, thy rear does look big in that dress.
←Rate | 02-22-2012 11:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seems like everyday is some kind of cause, appreciation or event day. I think most are made up. Unlike today which is Ladies have sex with (name) day!
←Rate | 07-11-2012 09:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have an app the reminds me when my garage door is open. Now if I can get one the reminds me when my fly is...
←Rate | 11-01-2016 17:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Next year i'm definitely going to do the Haunted Mill run because if you say it with a strong accent it sounds like you're saying "hundred mile run"
←Rate | 11-02-2016 15:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing in the world you can do with a nick-nack paddy-whack is give a dog a bone.
←Rate | 11-04-2016 05:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.
←Rate | 11-04-2016 05:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.
←Rate | 11-04-2016 05:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*
←Rate | 11-05-2016 12:55 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.
←Rate | 11-14-2016 19:09 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
←Rate | 11-17-2016 04:57 by Udit Comments (0)  


   messageicon They should put bumpers on the roads when women are driving like they do for kids at bowling alleys
←Rate | 11-24-2016 03:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why get thinner when you can get more dinner?
←Rate | 11-25-2016 06:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just realized the most exciting part of playing Monopoly is picking the token.
←Rate | 12-11-2016 22:04 by McFazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon my stocks plumeth again.....can I get a welfare check?....
←Rate | 12-12-2016 09:04 by lameduck Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.
←Rate | 12-29-2016 17:00 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Taking a bullet for someone is nothing. Take a nuclear warhead to the chest, now that's impressive....
←Rate | 01-05-2017 19:49 by JAB Comments (0)  


   messageicon Verizon guy: Your new phone is water resistant. Me: Oh, good. Cuz I cry a lot.
←Rate | 01-06-2017 00:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ya know, that damn commercial lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!
←Rate | 01-19-2017 13:16 by Jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not very happy with my new microphone but I'll hang on to it in case I ever want to make a video that sounds like I'm at the bottom of a well shouting into an empty beer can.
←Rate | 02-04-2017 21:55 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left