Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want to save money this Valentine's day? Better get started on ending the relationship you're in.

   I must be cruel only to be kind. Yes, thy rear does look big in that dress.

   Seems like everyday is some kind of cause, appreciation or event day. I think most are made up. Unlike today which is Ladies have sex with (name) day!

   I have an app the reminds me when my garage door is open. Now if I can get one the reminds me when my fly is...

   Next year i'm definitely going to do the Haunted Mill run because if you say it with a strong accent it sounds like you're saying "hundred mile run"

   The only thing in the world you can do with a nick-nack paddy-whack is give a dog a bone.

   ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.

   Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.

   My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?

   They should put bumpers on the roads when women are driving like they do for kids at bowling alleys

   Why get thinner when you can get more dinner?

   I just realized the most exciting part of playing Monopoly is picking the token.

   my stocks plumeth again.....can I get a welfare check?....

   I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.

   Taking a bullet for someone is nothing. Take a nuclear warhead to the chest, now that's impressive....

   Verizon guy: Your new phone is water resistant. Me: Oh, good. Cuz I cry a lot.

   Ya know, that damn commercial lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!

   Not very happy with my new microphone but I'll hang on to it in case I ever want to make a video that sounds like I'm at the bottom of a well shouting into an empty beer can.