Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Too many snakes and not enough ladders these days

   I know you love me baby. I know. Which is why I got this restraining order on your ass.

   does Life feels heavy and the days are not really what you want? The solution is to look at life as a male dog. if it can not be eaten or fu#ked, so piss on it and move on ...

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't you better start praying"

   UGH! A co-worker is here with kids and I don't want to talk to them, so I'm trying to look busy. This is the hardest I've worked all week!

   Interesting what people will do for money. Noteworthy what I'll do for free beer.

   Finally, the first snowfall of the season. Now I have a valid reason for blowing through the traffic lights.

   There are two different kind of people in the world, "born" ones and "made" ones.

   Text me first so I know it's real

   The more you just sit there and look at your problem the more it grows.

   Want to save money this Valentine's day? Better get started on ending the relationship you're in.

   I must be cruel only to be kind. Yes, thy rear does look big in that dress.

   Seems like everyday is some kind of cause, appreciation or event day. I think most are made up. Unlike today which is Ladies have sex with (name) day!

   Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven't felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

   I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

   It’s like all of my wife’s friends say - stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

   I know I’m no longer a kid, but I still hold out in the childlike hope that some day money will fall out of the sky. At least enough money to buy a Three Musketeers bar and some wax lips from 7-Eleven.

   I hate how celebrities always die in 3 like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison and sometimes literally on the same day like Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Bopper and now Oscar the Grinch, Big Bird and Caroll Spinney.

   If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe skydiving isn't for you.

   Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good. Mine is my back scratcher.