Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just hung up with the muffin man. he said he's feeling crummy

   How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

   When GOD pushes you to the edge of difficulty trust him fully because two things can happen. Either he will catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly.

   Hey Obama, I could use that change now. I am doing laundry and could use the quaters.

   When OIL prices were high it was all "Obama's fault" according to Republicans. Now that they are low it is the market.

   Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

   Blasphemy - the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being; he's just got self-esteem issues.

   After Palin's speech today, we need a rally for Restoring Grammar.

   One of the greatest moments of progress in world peace and democracy was tearing down the Berlin Wall. Only a true psychopath would think building a giant wall is a progressive step in our world.

   During Obama's appearance on Mythbusters, Glenn Beck will debut his new Fox News show, Mythspreaders.

   troubled by the thought of being not able to write a sensible status message

   get's the feeling that whenever Sarah Palin sees a Pro-Sarah bumper sticker, she rolls down the window, goes "WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!!!!" and generally makes a fool of herself.

   if you read the Bible backwards Jesus is crucified, develops a large following, and then a lot of horrible things happen to people. Oh wait that happened after the bible too...

   We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

   Law of Karma operates for nations as much as it does for individuals. Look at the devastation caused by floods in Pakistan. Divine punishment ?

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumbass put my cape on backwards"

   "Oh, you smoke cigarettes? Don't bother, I'll take myself to the friendzone."

   They tried to send Amy Winehouse to the coroner but she said no, no, no. Just kidding, she's dead and didn't say anything.

   Just found out my GF is pregnant. 50 likes and we keep it.

   I agree with my orange messiah. Terminate the constitution!