Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've had no trouble feeding my boa constrictor since I found those free kittens on Craiglist.

   I don't play videogames ALL day. I do stop to jerk off from time to time.

   Was comforting my lesbian friend because her girlfriend broke her heart. I told her they have a pill for that. "What's the name of it?" she asked. I replied "trycoxagain"

   Breaking News: Romney buys rights to all Jack in the Box tacos sold in Colorado

   Does anyone remember the "occupy wallstreet" movement? Weren't they supposed to have been a big deal and get something done??? Talk about fizzle out like a bad fart.

   And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I'll give women the power to control it."

   Sorry for my poor English, I'm American.

   You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

   *takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog?

   Trump doesn't have time to denounce the #$%$ but does so instantly against a CEO that withdrawals from one of his committees. If you didn't know Trump was a white supremacist before, you do now.

   Trump says there were good people on the white nationalist's side....Okay, that's it, I'm done. I can't live in a country where stupidity rules.....

   I just want to see how many stupid people there are. If you think microwaves are spying on Trump, vote down. If not, vote up.

   Refuse's to watch anything twilight or new moon, for the same reason he does not eat anything soy, He's afraid what too much estrogen might do to his body.

   Two Beer or not Two beer. William ShakesBEER

   Warning: I break for lawn deer

   "Ok Brain: I don't like you and you dont't like me, but this time we have to work toghet....DAMN! He's running awaritnfdnsfoeinlsjerfjsgrjjdfks..."

   He who runs behind truck is exhausted, he who runs in front of truck is tired.

   You cry I cry your happy I am happy you laugh I laugh you jump off a bridge I laugh even harder

   Tiger Woods has had sex with more women than my girlfriend will even let me be Facebook friends with.

   There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo." The other cow replies,'Shut the f*ck up you uneducated twat'',