Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   55 years ago tonight, Bela Lugosi died. He was the orignal Dracula, who thinks Bela from Twilight was named after him?

   "I lost my phone." "Where did you put it last?" "If I known where I put it last, I wouldn't be here saying I lost my phone, dumba$$

   If I ever go on "Wheel of Fortune," I'm going to buy all the vowels, then give them to poor kids in Africa

   "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes..." - Jeffrey Dahmer's grocery list

   Just saw a man using a pay phone! In his defense, he seemed to be hallucinating and thought he was fighting a puma.

   You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic

   YOu know she's trained right IF when you roll up to the pump.....she jumps out and then pays for the gas

   During sex, you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles,,,,,, Wait, Who the heck runs 5 miles in 2 minutes???

   My chinese friend died last week. So Yung.

   I Get so Emotional when I'm peeling Onions..!

   If DR. Conrad Murray bends over to pick up his soap in his prisn shower he may get a real 'Thriller'.

   The World is a Circus and The Devil is it's Ring Leader.

   Saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, do I still need a logging permit?

   Other than the economy, climate, civil rights, and security, we're going to be fine.

   Elvis Presley moved Priscilla to his house when she was 14 years old. Where's the outrage over this?

   Who remembers when we had a census of a coming ice age, so the government & EPA made all vehicles get catalitic converters that made cars get less milage & use more gas, which made more pollution so we had to stop acid rain,&ozone holes. SCIENCE RULES lol

   Crying about the NFL and not focusing on anything else is suppose to make America great again?

   I'd wait in line to slap you for waiting in line for the new iPhone.

   my girlfriend just popped in on trying on her bra's.. this would be a good time for me to shove a twix in my month