Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kid: How come dinosaurs are extinct? Me: Because Noah put two gay dinosaurs on his ark.

   Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits!!

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?

   I'm guessing God had to change his password when the Mayan hacked his account and found out about 2012.

   wants to be adopted by Madonna too

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars.Just a bunch of angry countries not talking to each other.

   I used to grow weed on Farmville and sell it on Mafia Wars. Good Times!

   "As Obama Discusses His Job Creation Plan, Bank Of America Releases Details Of 40,000 Job Cuts"

   turned around in bed to say goodnight to my beautiful lady...after three days I wonder why she doesn't have the decency to stop saying "who are you.? Please let me go!"

   The only thing that should be seperated by color is laundry♥

   You never forget the first time you learned what a PROLAPSE is. Damn you, Google images.

   I just drank some food color, now I think I'm dyeing inside.

   What does a 90 year old virgin's pussa taste like,,,,,Depends

   I can tell within 19 seconds of meeting you if our sex is going to be consensual or not..

   ...... Congrats to Mr Baumgartner for breaking the sound barrier!!!! He's very lucky that the records were the only things that were broken!!!!

   My new girlfriend is a cagefighter. They all are, for the first day or two.

   Yo mama is so fat even her pictures are heavy.

   Men: 99% of the women you will meet take antidepressants. Just accept the fact.

   I knew someone would have to do it but I didn't know it would be someone so famous! Amy Winehouse had to take her own life just so people on fbook would talk about something other than the weather! You all are to blame for this!!

   True fact of the day: On March 13, 1781 Uranus was discovered ........ ha ha Uranus