Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   damn right I'm good in bed... I can sleep for days!!

   found a sweet new keyboard shortcut. I wish I'd known about it before, it's so much faster! I love you ALT + F4. You make my life easy.

   better pay his COX cable bill before they cut our COX off...

   Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to Facebook right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further internet absences.Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being.

   GIRLS are so hard to understand.... If you go out with your boyz = ur too much of a player. If you want to be with them a lot = ur too needy .. WTF !

   I've used up all my sick days, so tomorrow I'm calling in dead. lol

   A truck load of tortoises get in a wreck with a boat load of terrapins... it was a turtle disaster!

   one reason they call it PMS is that Mad Cow disease was already taken.

   Thinks The "Ice Road Truckers" should fill their tires with helium so the trucks weigh less.

   whats the difference between a SUV and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards...

   How about those White House crashers? The other day they also crashed the Black Caucus, and if you've seen then, you know that's quite a trick.

   ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬

   knows that your girlfriend is not taking piano classes on sundays

   the "Pull my finger" joke stinks.

   Who was the best comedian/stage performer in the Bible? ANS: Samson. He brought the house down.

   my girlfriend just popped in on trying on her bra's.. this would be a good time for me to shove a twix in my month

   just watched half of The Social Network and I got to say to that point it is absolutely one of the most boring movies I have ever seen..right..I know it's more of a movie for academic queers

   You want to know what chloroform smells like?

   ohh yeahh... the sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette

   "Deck the halls with Happy Birthday Faa La La La'up on the roof top is Peter Cotton tail in a one horse open sleigh"..........man, that's a good margarita.....