Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want start up my own towing company in Iraq and call it "Camel Towing".....

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...

   76 Chinese Medals... imprint on back ....Made in China... Coincidence...I think NOT!

   My new girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. I think it's great!. It's like being with a different girl every time we have sex. Except for the one time... she turned into Dave the construction worker.

   If you ever Google Gary Oldman FFS dont forget the "R" !!!!

   I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

   When I was your age...I was your age.

   I dont ask much of my women, just call me Daddy and do everything I say.

   Girlfriend- I hate you when your stoned. Me- I hate you when i'm not.

   OMG, I just got a bad headache, chills and I just threw up...I haven't the flu..my radio played a Taylor Swift song.

   "I eat what I want and never get fat" - people I hate

   Studies show that California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression....It's a sad State of affairs.

   I went shopping and forgot my phone. It's sad when you can't update your stat us. I just started yelling out my status every 20 min. or so. I picked up 3 followers. I think 2 of them were cops though.

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".

   I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   Knock knock. Who's there? Weekend! Weekend who? 'We can end' working for a couple of days thank you very much!!!

   Rose are red, violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too!