Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if you ever wished your life had a System Restore... or maybe even just a Back Button?

   Vegans are secretly just anorexics trying to disguise it under a hippy guise of nutrition and compassion.

   ...Can someone to tell me why there is braille on drive thru ATM machines. Am I missing something here??

   can't stand Cows. They're way too dramatic. If it's not one thing, it's an udder.

   Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.

   NEWS: An Ohio exotic dancer was indicted for murder after she dragged a man under her car for more than a mile. Witnesses to the scene called it "The worst lap dance ever."

   I'm tired of waiting to drive a flying car!

   Please insert credit card to view my status message.

   i said to me little sister spell MacDonald and I will take you there she replied ok lets go to KFC

   playing Call of Doodie

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...heheheehe...I said bush:)

   This years Thanksgiving challenge: See if you can sneak a bowl of Lucky Charms on the table.

   The night before my friend's wedding he asked me how "IT" was done. I told him to take the thing he plays with and put it where she pees. On his wedding night he took his guitar and tossed it in the sink.

   now knows what Johnny Cash was singing about in "Ring of Fire." He ate at Taco Bell last night.

   Every year, grandma gets run over by a reindeer. I wonder if this year, if I left some extra cookies, Santa'd aim for my ex instead?

   my next license plate: POKE ME

   My 2011 outlook: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   told the boss today that there was no W-F-A-Y I could do the job the way he wanted me to. He said, "But there's no 'F-in-way!!" I said, "Exactly!"

   My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.