Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...heheheehe...I said bush:)

   This years Thanksgiving challenge: See if you can sneak a bowl of Lucky Charms on the table.

   chose the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

   says Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back!

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Damn court sux. If I ever got pooled 4 jury duty I would start all my answers w/ "According to the phrophecy..."

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   Virginity is not a dignity.It's just a Lack of opportunity.

   wonders if you ever wished your life had a System Restore... or maybe even just a Back Button?

   Vegans are secretly just anorexics trying to disguise it under a hippy guise of nutrition and compassion.

   ...Can someone to tell me why there is braille on drive thru ATM machines. Am I missing something here??

   can't stand Cows. They're way too dramatic. If it's not one thing, it's an udder.

   I'm now Getting facebooks requests from my 14yr old sons friends. My girlfriend just called me a M.I.L.F. "Mom I'd like to Facebook"

   I've seen as many smart people today as Stevie Wonder has.

   if Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott went sailing together, and the boat capsized, who would be saved? Australia.

   My other Facebook page is a 69 camaro.

   so for some reason actually saw 5 minutes of twilight which has me placing garlic in all the toilets because pretty sure that's how vampires now enter your house

   Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.

   NEWS: An Ohio exotic dancer was indicted for murder after she dragged a man under her car for more than a mile. Witnesses to the scene called it "The worst lap dance ever."

   I'm tired of waiting to drive a flying car!