Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they aren't really true Trump supporters.

   I bet men with "Chest!cles" really hate singing ♪♫ "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."♪♫

   Getting drunk on a week night is kinda like bangin' a fat chick; no matter how much you enjoy it now, you'll regret it in the morning.

   Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was g@y

   Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault of a limo driver! He commits a criminal assault every time he sings.

   Boycott Cheerios

   Does anyone know what these big patches of greenish shaggy stuff all over the ground is??? CREEPY!

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?

   Once I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?". I almost drowned that day.

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   can people who are paralysed from the waist down fart?

   [variation] Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of accidentally dropping your ice cream.

   If your new friends calls himself 'The Wizard', there's a good chance he likes Lord of the Rings. If your new friend calls himself, 'The Grand Wizard', time to get a different new friend.

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. Here's my number, I'm very lazy. Your dog resembles Patrick Swayze. Do you like daffodils? I'm craaazy

   My wife's doctor called and I had to take a message. He said her Pabst Beer came back negative. What the hell is he talking about?

   I may not be always right but I'm never wrong

   trying to put m&m's in alphabetical order...This could take a while...

   chose the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

   says Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back!