Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never been in relationships. I prefer to call them 'momentary lapses in judgement'.

   Rumors: Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

   Does anyone know the rule for when the cripple guy at your company dies who gets his parking spot?

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......

   I got a lap dance from a midget stripper. I couldn't refuse the deal. It was half off.

   Vegitarian is a native American name for Bad hunter. . .

   My friend has to pay for sex ... he is buy-sexual.

   If Michael Sam beats his wife, will he get fired too. Equal Opportunity my ass.

   : Things Change. Times change. I changed. you changed. :C

   Woke up with a post it note on the end of my foot saying "Gone to market"...

   Just because I'm recently single doesn't mean iv become desperate. Go away freaks!!!

   I like Bieber's older heavier stuff.

   i like my women like I like my stamps, lick them and send them on their way.

   Steve Jobs know what I wanted before I know I wanted it!! Mark Zuckerberg thinks he knows what I want on Facebook, so he goes out and screws it up!!! Mark Zuckerberg, you are no Steve Jobs!! You are vision-less!!

   A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized...lol :P

   hey look on the bright side LeBron. you have all those endorsement deals including the one who just called for you. wants you to be the new face of the board game "sorry"

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   All this lighting is pissing me off, just rain and thunder already. Your teasing me like a skanky girl across the street who dances naked with the window open..... I see you.

   I'm not your Father but I can be your friend ( Heavy breathing ) - Step-dad Darth Vader

   It is so HOT in my town ... Water in public swimming pools is evaporating so fast that children are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the,"no peeing" rule...