Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

   When I was your age...I was your age.

   I dont ask much of my women, just call me Daddy and do everything I say.

   Girlfriend- I hate you when your stoned. Me- I hate you when i'm not.

   OMG, I just got a bad headache, chills and I just threw up...I haven't the flu..my radio played a Taylor Swift song.

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".

   I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   I want start up my own towing company in Iraq and call it "Camel Towing".....

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...

   76 Chinese Medals... imprint on back ....Made in China... Coincidence...I think NOT!

   My new girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. I think it's great!. It's like being with a different girl every time we have sex. Except for the one time... she turned into Dave the construction worker.

   I may not be always right but I'm never wrong

   trying to put m&m's in alphabetical order...This could take a while...

   chose the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

   says Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back!

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Damn court sux. If I ever got pooled 4 jury duty I would start all my answers w/ "According to the phrophecy..."

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   Virginity is not a dignity.It's just a Lack of opportunity.