Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont ask much of my women, just call me Daddy and do everything I say.

   Girlfriend- I hate you when your stoned. Me- I hate you when i'm not.

   OMG, I just got a bad headache, chills and I just threw up...I haven't the flu..my radio played a Taylor Swift song.

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".

   I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   I want start up my own towing company in Iraq and call it "Camel Towing".....

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...

   76 Chinese Medals... imprint on back ....Made in China... Coincidence...I think NOT!

   My new girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. I think it's great!. It's like being with a different girl every time we have sex. Except for the one time... she turned into Dave the construction worker.

   I may not be always right but I'm never wrong

   trying to put m&m's in alphabetical order...This could take a while...

   The night before my friend's wedding he asked me how "IT" was done. I told him to take the thing he plays with and put it where she pees. On his wedding night he took his guitar and tossed it in the sink.

   now knows what Johnny Cash was singing about in "Ring of Fire." He ate at Taco Bell last night.

   Every year, grandma gets run over by a reindeer. I wonder if this year, if I left some extra cookies, Santa'd aim for my ex instead?

   my next license plate: POKE ME

   My 2011 outlook: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   Please insert credit card to view my status message.

   i said to me little sister spell MacDonald and I will take you there she replied ok lets go to KFC

   playing Call of Doodie