Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact Checkers didn’t exist until the truth started getting out.

   Obama Nation sounds like Abomination coincidence hmmmmm……

   : Things Change. Times change. I changed. you changed. :C

   Woke up with a post it note on the end of my foot saying "Gone to market"...

   Just because I'm recently single doesn't mean iv become desperate. Go away freaks!!!

   I like Bieber's older heavier stuff.

   i like my women like I like my stamps, lick them and send them on their way.

   Steve Jobs know what I wanted before I know I wanted it!! Mark Zuckerberg thinks he knows what I want on Facebook, so he goes out and screws it up!!! Mark Zuckerberg, you are no Steve Jobs!! You are vision-less!!

   A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized...lol :P

   hey look on the bright side LeBron. you have all those endorsement deals including the one who just called for you. wants you to be the new face of the board game "sorry"

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   All this lighting is pissing me off, just rain and thunder already. Your teasing me like a skanky girl across the street who dances naked with the window open..... I see you.

   I'm not your Father but I can be your friend ( Heavy breathing ) - Step-dad Darth Vader

   It is so HOT in my town ... Water in public swimming pools is evaporating so fast that children are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the,"no peeing" rule...

   do you know someone who is alive because you didnt wanna go to jail for killing them?

   I drugged my coffee with steroids so now it's strong enough to kick your ass!

   Some girl at the nightclub last night said to me, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha." I replied, "20 x 0 = 0." That shut the focker up.

   Only when I'm drinking Jager, think I have the moves like Jagger

   Labor Day, when we briefly pause from demonizing unions to enjoy mattress sales in their honor.

   Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!