Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every year, grandma gets run over by a reindeer. I wonder if this year, if I left some extra cookies, Santa'd aim for my ex instead?

   my next license plate: POKE ME

   My 2011 outlook: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   I'm now Getting facebooks requests from my 14yr old sons friends. My girlfriend just called me a M.I.L.F. "Mom I'd like to Facebook"

   I've seen as many smart people today as Stevie Wonder has.

   if Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott went sailing together, and the boat capsized, who would be saved? Australia.

   My other Facebook page is a 69 camaro.

   so for some reason actually saw 5 minutes of twilight which has me placing garlic in all the toilets because pretty sure that's how vampires now enter your house

   Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.

   NEWS: An Ohio exotic dancer was indicted for murder after she dragged a man under her car for more than a mile. Witnesses to the scene called it "The worst lap dance ever."

   I'm tired of waiting to drive a flying car!

   Oh, Doctor, doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning..Oh, Doctor, doctor, is this love I'm feeling? OK.. Thompson Twins I am going to say no if you are taking a piss!

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   told the boss today that there was no W-F-A-Y I could do the job the way he wanted me to. He said, "But there's no 'F-in-way!!" I said, "Exactly!"

   My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.

   celebrating Cinco De Mayo by having some tequila, tacos, casadias, and cho cha

   If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two...he'll be back to his usual self.

   My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.

   What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits

   that uncomfortable feeling when your poking session on FB lasted longer than "the real poking'