Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone have a truck I can borrow? I need to drag some ATMs about a mile or so

   Bin Laden is standing before God waiting to hear his punishment... God gets a tap on the shoulder. There behind him stand 343 firemen, 72 police officers, one K9 officer, 3,000 American citizens & over 5,000 Soldiers, they say."Don't worry God, we got thi

   just saw Elvis, Marilyn and Bin Laden at Walmart...I have pics...but for politically correct reasons I cannot post them!

   I never know when it will strike... but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   I think that every horoscope should read: "Your day is already a failure... you rely on horoscopes."

   An american may be taking over the Al Qaeda spot...Look Trump, I know you're angry Obama interrupted Celebrity Apprentice, but you're taking it too far.

   Mariah named her newborn boy Moroccan Scott, after her fav Moroccan room in her NYC apartment. Her newborn daughter White Monroe, after Marilyn's white piano she owns. (Wtf?) And, I'm Italian Stallion. You figure out why.

   having a romantic KFC supper ... I will even let her lick the grease off my fingers .. :D

   My status is a virus..DON'T CLICK THE LIKE BUTTON!!!! If you do your computer will freeze and lock up for good. If you click the comment button you will turn into an evil troll who eats humans for dinner. Repost if your a troll so I can run and hide.

   I've found the perfect weight-loss system. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds!

   USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated

   Being that we can't see the Bin Ladin Video... can we reroll the Bill an Monica video.

   Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.

   <--still thinks that chick on the Progressive Insurance commercials is HAWT!

   Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   I love you so much that there's almost no chance I'd use you as a human shield against a Navy SEAL'S attack.

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

   You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.