Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   law of averages:The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

   hideing from "knuckles" the bookie, damn you Sugar Shane!

   not illiterate...my parents were married!

   enjoying deleting friends on Father's Day. I'm pretending I'm disowning my children.

   catching flies and turning them into crawls

   anything not related to elephant is IRRelephant

   Q: Are you tired of this sillyass Q & A game everyone is doing? A: Yes I wish that they would $hit and fall back in it.

   If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,why are they still working??

   I've just been given a six month suspension from football. I caught an opponent with a tackle and broke both his legs... I admit the tackle was a bit late, he was getting into his car at the time.

   X says Karma is like 69.....you get what you give....:)

   Really needs a nap, I guess I will pop "Eat, Pray, Love" back in the blu-ray, should be out in seconds!

   would like to take all of the warning labels off everything toxic and weed out the stupid people in my life

   If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look similar to this: 57 Asians; 21 Europeans; 14 from the Western Hemisphere; 8 Africans; 52 would be female;

   putting his left foot in and taking his left foot out - but he is NOT doing the hokie pokie, he's killing roaches...

   I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!

   waiting for you to log off so they can get back on chat and actually do something!

   Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

   just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Now he's slipping into a Snuggie and playing with his Mighty Putty.

   slowly undressing behind you!

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..