Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've just been given a six month suspension from football. I caught an opponent with a tackle and broke both his legs... I admit the tackle was a bit late, he was getting into his car at the time.

   X says Karma is like 69.....you get what you give....:)

   Really needs a nap, I guess I will pop "Eat, Pray, Love" back in the blu-ray, should be out in seconds!

   making home made dynamite is so much fun

   finds it quite ironic how "Lame-O" is ironically probalby the lamest insult ever invented.

   ''Viva La Rasa''..what the hell have I just said!

   whats the main difference between a vacuum cleaner and a harley davidson? The position of the dirtbag

   If I was a pirate, instead of having a stupid hook for one hand, I'd upgrade to some cooler attachments, like a blender, maybe a small cannon, some hedge trimmers etc.

   law of averages:The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

   hideing from "knuckles" the bookie, damn you Sugar Shane!

   not illiterate...my parents were married!

   enjoying deleting friends on Father's Day. I'm pretending I'm disowning my children.

   Susan Boyle sings: "Wild Horses couldn't drag me away."Maybe not, but it looks like they gave it a f**king good go, eh Susan?

   How can anyone have 99 problems? I have about 3, maybe 4 max.

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   Whoever started the tradition to wear bright hideous Hawaiian shirts on "casual fridays" needs to be punch in the throat.

   downhill. Because thats how I roll!

   "ur cute when ur mad"...... "well immabout to get real adorable"

   My friend is having a baby so I went to birthing class with her, and woohoo! I now know how to wrap a doll in a burrito

   once I get a grip on reality I plan on choking it to death...