Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much are these anti-depressants? Sir, that's a 12 pack.

   You can always tell how wealthy a black dude is by how much white he wears

   Maybe if the lion's sleeping tonight, you should stop f*ck!ng singing before it wakes up and eats your face

   I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.

   Michael Sam would have loved to go to Sayreville Highschool...

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   HR says I am allowed to dress up as a pirate for the office Halloween party but I am not allowed to try to plunder booty, even if it is mighty fine booty....this organization has too many rules.

   There is no "non creepy" way to compliment hot girl's feet

   Who else is still wearing their Halloween costume?! Didn't think I'd be keeping it on for days but everyone's really digging me as Pikachu!

   "LOL" is the new way of saying "I really have nothing to say."

   heard there was a party in your pants, but she is pretty sure she won't be coming

   New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”

   sorry, but I can't "go to hell"~ my restraining order states I can't be within 100 feet of it.

   Just had the misfortune of watching some of MTV's "reality" shows...I'll take "Why the Mayan's decided to end it in 2012" for $1000.00 Alex....

   I wish I could make it illegal for anyone to wake up before 6am.

   Tip: Don't blow your nose in a well used public restroom...sometimes being stuffed up is a good thing....unless you like the sensation of being punched in the face with a sack full of a**holes...

   I feel like I've been watching Jersey Shore (The Facebook edition) for three days Now! B1tchin about every lil thing is like a rockin chair, It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you any where.

   eating a couch cushion and just found out I'm Oprah's long lost sister!

   Susan Boyle sings: "Wild Horses couldn't drag me away."Maybe not, but it looks like they gave it a f**king good go, eh Susan?

   How can anyone have 99 problems? I have about 3, maybe 4 max.