Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I'm saying, ladies, is if you're looking for a guy how about collecting snacks instead of cats.

   What do you mean there's no attendant in rest area bathrooms? Then who was the guy that held my pen*s while I peed and vigorously shook it?

   A woman who was shopping at my store today called me a "Living Doll"..okay she actually called me Chucky, but.....

   Maybe that missing plane is wherever our lost socks are??

   They just interviewed Jimmy Hoffa of Fox News about the missing plane.

   “Mom I’m bleeding”“Oh sweetie there’s" "no need to be worried it's just a sign ur becomin a woman" "Thnk God, I was really starting to get worried about this axe inmy shoulder!"

   I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.

   How much are these anti-depressants? Sir, that's a 12 pack.

   You can always tell how wealthy a black dude is by how much white he wears

   Maybe if the lion's sleeping tonight, you should stop f*ck!ng singing before it wakes up and eats your face

   I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.

   Michael Sam would have loved to go to Sayreville Highschool...

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   HR says I am allowed to dress up as a pirate for the office Halloween party but I am not allowed to try to plunder booty, even if it is mighty fine booty....this organization has too many rules.

   There is no "non creepy" way to compliment hot girl's feet

   Who else is still wearing their Halloween costume?! Didn't think I'd be keeping it on for days but everyone's really digging me as Pikachu!

   "LOL" is the new way of saying "I really have nothing to say."

   heard there was a party in your pants, but she is pretty sure she won't be coming

   New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”

   sorry, but I can't "go to hell"~ my restraining order states I can't be within 100 feet of it.