Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fun fact: the person who said "If you love something let it go" died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

   there anything worse than being on vacation, and your copy of Enter The Dragon won't play because of a scraaaaatch????

   It's not my fault my kids turned out like they did. I was never around!

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   Ladies, if you're in competition to get as many friends on your friends list as possible, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   Let's cuddle, eat junk food and watch football.

   So yesterday I planed on having an average day but The lady at the Dunkin' Donuts told me to have a good day. Let's hope she doesn't say that today I can't keep up with that kind of pressure p

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   If action movies have taught me anything, its that when you defeat your enemy, don’t leave them half dead as they are guaranteed to rise again and strike you when you least expect it. Instead totally obliterate them into oblivion like they never even ex

   Why is it that a lot of the people who think everyone is too easily offended these days act like you just insulted their mother by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?

   “Mom I’m bleeding”“Oh sweetie there’s" "no need to be worried it's just a sign ur becomin a woman" "Thnk God, I was really starting to get worried about this axe inmy shoulder!"

   I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.

   How much are these anti-depressants? Sir, that's a 12 pack.

   You can always tell how wealthy a black dude is by how much white he wears

   Maybe if the lion's sleeping tonight, you should stop f*ck!ng singing before it wakes up and eats your face

   I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.

   Michael Sam would have loved to go to Sayreville Highschool...

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   HR says I am allowed to dress up as a pirate for the office Halloween party but I am not allowed to try to plunder booty, even if it is mighty fine booty....this organization has too many rules.