Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I'm saying, ladies, is if you're looking for a guy how about collecting snacks instead of cats.

   What do you mean there's no attendant in rest area bathrooms? Then who was the guy that held my pen*s while I peed and vigorously shook it?

   A woman who was shopping at my store today called me a "Living Doll"..okay she actually called me Chucky, but.....

   Maybe that missing plane is wherever our lost socks are??

   They just interviewed Jimmy Hoffa of Fox News about the missing plane.

   They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically shouts out, “You’ve made a fool of me and yourself.” :))

   ASome people actually believe that the only thing their tax dollars go to is food stamps. Bahahahahah

   I don't get why girls get mad when men only want them for their bodies. Their brains are just filled with tons of knowledge about shoes.

   Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

   Fun fact: the person who said "If you love something let it go" died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

   there anything worse than being on vacation, and your copy of Enter The Dragon won't play because of a scraaaaatch????

   It's not my fault my kids turned out like they did. I was never around!

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   Ladies, if you're in competition to get as many friends on your friends list as possible, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   Let's cuddle, eat junk food and watch football.

   So yesterday I planed on having an average day but The lady at the Dunkin' Donuts told me to have a good day. Let's hope she doesn't say that today I can't keep up with that kind of pressure p

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   If action movies have taught me anything, its that when you defeat your enemy, don’t leave them half dead as they are guaranteed to rise again and strike you when you least expect it. Instead totally obliterate them into oblivion like they never even ex

   Why is it that a lot of the people who think everyone is too easily offended these days act like you just insulted their mother by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?