Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering....Do the Fox sponsored "tea party" sheeple understand why we all laugh at them when they call themselves the "teabagers"?

   Dad, what is a silver and a bronze medal? Dad: I dunno son, we're canadians.

   making friends and influencing people

   Obama just announced his NEW plan! He is going to vacation in Martha's Vineyard

   Next time Rodman visits his friend KIM in North Korea, just don't let him back into USA. Problem solved.

   Just got a text asking if I want to go to church on Sunday. I laughed so hard I choked on my vodka and shot my d ildo across the room.

   when I said pull out, I didnt mean shot me in the eye either!

   Subway should have their 6 inch subs on a promotional sale @ 1/2 the cost of the 12inch.. They could have Tupac and Fiftyy cent sing it for them... Tu-Fitty, Tu-Fitty, Tu-Fitty six long!

   "Where was obama during the san francisco earthquake of 1906???" - Trump supporters

   crakalakin

   Damn, looks like someone with a small peepee lost his girlfriend to a black dude!

   Vegetarians, your boyfriends want to break up with you.

   Thinks there are better things in life than alcohol. but alcohol makes up for not having them

   Ummm,,, I just tried to make a donation to the "Tourette Syndrome Foundation" in England,,,,, and they told me to Sod off.

   My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow.... I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.

   Being dyslexic and online dating can be a big problem. My last date I thought it said nympho maniac. Turns out she was a necro'philic.

   Don't you hate when people call your name 20 times..... Then end up saying "NEVERMIND"? Nah, you gonna tell me SOMEthing.

   Checking In' on Facebook Places is really just another way of people showing other people how much better their day is/was than yours.

   I didn't trip... Nature was testing my balance!!

   I wish my homework was horny, so it would do itself. Just sayin.