Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion

   "Macho Man" Randy Savage died at 58. Whitney Houston at 48. Corey Haim at 38. Heath Ledger at 28. How old is Justin Bieber again?

   I should be in Top Chef the way I Wake N Bake!

   All of mankind is descended of a man and a woman who had two sons. Think about that. Take as much time as you need.

   Oh wait, Donald Trump has a bible! Lets vote for him! He is legit!

   so fine, he's so fine he blows your mind.

   Think I'll get a third shot. And no I'm not in a bar.

   For some reason, the press seems more concerned with "BIack Man Killed By Police", than "Police KiIIed By BIack Man."

   wondering....Do the Fox sponsored "tea party" sheeple understand why we all laugh at them when they call themselves the "teabagers"?

   Dad, what is a silver and a bronze medal? Dad: I dunno son, we're canadians.

   making friends and influencing people

   Obama just announced his NEW plan! He is going to vacation in Martha's Vineyard

   Next time Rodman visits his friend KIM in North Korea, just don't let him back into USA. Problem solved.

   Just got a text asking if I want to go to church on Sunday. I laughed so hard I choked on my vodka and shot my d ildo across the room.

   Subway should have their 6 inch subs on a promotional sale @ 1/2 the cost of the 12inch.. They could have Tupac and Fiftyy cent sing it for them... Tu-Fitty, Tu-Fitty, Tu-Fitty six long!

   when I said pull out, I didnt mean shot me in the eye either!

   "Where was obama during the san francisco earthquake of 1906???" - Trump supporters

   crakalakin

   Damn, looks like someone with a small peepee lost his girlfriend to a black dude!

   Vegetarians, your boyfriends want to break up with you.