Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...

   An ancient tampon was found in a cave in the Yucatan... Archaeologists are not sure which period it's from. The Doctor said, he saw something like that during Joans Rivers operation!

   America is the only country in the world where you can die from eating too much instead of too little.

   Female gamers need to get off their high horse. There are a million girls who like gaming, and it doesn't make them "special" or "cool". It just makes them a girl who happens to like video games.

   Rope: $7.50 Duck Tape: $2.75 Shovel: $12.98 Never having to see that b!tch again: Priceless.

   My sister came back home crying over her boyfriend and asked me to console her...So I hit her over the head with the XBOX

   I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

   Russel Brand files for divorce from Katy Perry... I wonder if she kissed a girl and he didnt like it.

   So I'm home alone and heard a noise and got scared so I decided to get drunk. Then I made about 80 quesadillas SO NOW I'm trying to sell them and put Taco Bell out of business...Tell your friends!!

   Call of Duty.. Helping Guys like me who don't play the game get laid since 2003."

   Toasters as wedding gifts don't make sense. If you and the person you're marrying don't have a toaster maybe you're not ready to be married.

   Her: :-P Me: 8===D Her: :-O Me: 8====D~~~ Her: :-) Me: 8=D Me: ZZZZ

   John Wayne Toilet Tissue: It's Rough - It's Tough And It Don't Take Crap Off Anyone

   I thought you said Eric gave you the creeps? I like tacos

   Untill now I haven't felt this much pressure on a particular thing, so... "why this kolaveri di"?!!!

   I don't know why it's so hard for ugly people to get laid. Just get together with each other. Problem solved.

   I wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you yelled Team Jacob to my dog!"

   I set my daylight savings time back 13 years so I could party like it was 1999!

   You always hear about so and so getting robbed at gunpoint and this person or that was held up at gunpoint. My question? Where the Hell is Gunpoint and why does everyone keep going there?

   God is my co-pilot but the Devil is my bombardier.