Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To stimulate the economy we must first find it's "G-SPOT".

   So what if you have a boyfriend! You don't see me going up to people in wheelchairs reminding them that they can't walk!

   In elementary, there always seemed to be that one kid who had to deepthroat the water fountain when getting a drink.

   GEORGE SOROS HAS JETPACKS AND HE'S NOT SHARING!!!!

   If you want to see the power of a good woman, look at her husband and his success in the world!

   I really think I am gonna get a knock on my front door one day and the person saying "We have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"

   my mom said "i don't wanna fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

   "Thy will, not my will. Think about the ramifications of those words. Let them sink in...because it will flip your world upside down in the best possible way."

   A real friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. All the others are just acquaintances.

   I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said, "Let's go get a bucket of parrot."

   Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   I just heard Steve Jobs Resigned from Apple Computers. His last thing to show people today was called a iquit.....

   Dominos use to be made with saddness and disappointment with just a sprinkle of fry grease and hooker spit once, but now it's made with "real cheese" and failure.

   Oh! What a proud time in American. Everyone in the world have seen the First Lady of the "Greatest Country of the World" naked. How is this making "America Great" again?

   7 earth-like planets have been discovered nearby, with growing fear of illegal aliens, Trump has decided to turn his wall into a dome.

   few people know that "trump" is a Russian word meaning "tiny handed buffoon who can't close the deal."

   My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

   She was looking through the Chinese phone book earlier. There are so many Wings and Wongs. It must be so easy to Wing a Wong number.

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"