Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What are you doing here? Was there a jailbreak at the zoo?

   My Beta player just died, I guess I need to buck up and finally buy a VHS player. SMH!

   I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure

   Beer commercials never show anyone drunk. Not after a divorce, being fired or losing a child in a tragic loose trophy shelf accident.

   Rabity Ear Antennae users and Direct TV customers will finally have clearer reception tomorrow as the Satlellite approaches closer- Sat they will be back to fuzzy logic!

   Sign Board At Petrol Pump: 'Please Don't Smoke here... V knw Ur Life has No Value but Petrol is Very EXPENSIVE'

   I drank so much this weekend, that if Dracula bit my neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

   To stimulate the economy we must first find it's "G-SPOT".

   So what if you have a boyfriend! You don't see me going up to people in wheelchairs reminding them that they can't walk!

   In elementary, there always seemed to be that one kid who had to deepthroat the water fountain when getting a drink.

   GEORGE SOROS HAS JETPACKS AND HE'S NOT SHARING!!!!

   If you want to see the power of a good woman, look at her husband and his success in the world!

   I really think I am gonna get a knock on my front door one day and the person saying "We have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"

   my mom said "i don't wanna fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

   "Thy will, not my will. Think about the ramifications of those words. Let them sink in...because it will flip your world upside down in the best possible way."

   A real friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. All the others are just acquaintances.

   I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said, "Let's go get a bucket of parrot."

   Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   I just heard Steve Jobs Resigned from Apple Computers. His last thing to show people today was called a iquit.....