Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers I use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today

   can't help but laugh when he hears jackie chan in the new karate kid say "now take jacket off"......"JACKET OFF" ......now that's subliminal messaging!

   DNA: National Dyslexic Association

   Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time

   She Bangs, She Bangs...... Turns Out The Whole Time Ricky Martin Meant He Bangs, He Bangs....... Livin La Vida Loca Who Knew lol.

   She was looking through the Chinese phone book earlier. There are so many Wings and Wongs. It must be so easy to Wing a Wong number.

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   When you go cow tippin', do you only tip 15-20% of em?

   theres nothin worse then havin a wicked case of the squirts and realizing there isnt a roll of TP in sight..

   sometimes I wish my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make

   I have been invited to a premature ejaculation society annual dinner.I asked about the dress code and they said "Just come in your pants."

   *Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...

   An ancient tampon was found in a cave in the Yucatan... Archaeologists are not sure which period it's from. The Doctor said, he saw something like that during Joans Rivers operation!

   America is the only country in the world where you can die from eating too much instead of too little.

   Michael J. Fox show canceled. I knew from the beginning it was a little shakey

   To be fair, a dogs butthole might taste fantastic and we've been judging them wrong all these years.

   it bugs me when an ugly girl has her one hot friend in every profile pic. It took me 3 weeks to realize I friended the dud