Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I suspect someone has a voodoo doll of me out there that they make watch Jersey Shore and listen to Justin Bierber.

   A mosh pit at a Star Wars concert is basically just nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.

   I look forward to the day when we glorify peace rather than war.

   You always hear about so and so getting robbed at gunpoint and this person or that was held up at gunpoint. My question? Where the Hell is Gunpoint and why does everyone keep going there?

   God is my co-pilot but the Devil is my bombardier.

   Hey fellas.... Do you buy your pants on sale? Cuz at my house they would be 100% off.....

   Every time you start thinking of your dog as human, they do something like eat poop. Then you think of them as German humans.

   please stop quoting the bible on your every other status, we all have our own copies.

   I bought some of that new emo lawn seed the other day... Yeah, It was a little more expensive,,, but the grass cuts itself.

   I set my daylight savings time back 13 years so I could party like it was 1999!

   This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   Oh! What a proud time in American. Everyone in the world have seen the First Lady of the "Greatest Country of the World" naked. How is this making "America Great" again?

   7 earth-like planets have been discovered nearby, with growing fear of illegal aliens, Trump has decided to turn his wall into a dome.

   few people know that "trump" is a Russian word meaning "tiny handed buffoon who can't close the deal."

   My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

   cleaning out her medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time!!

   iDon't need an APP to make fart noises. There's an a$$ for that.

   was almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank goodness the Wal-Mart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!

   A nwe sutdy porves htat hte hmuan barin cna tarsnlate an in-cmopleet snetence or a fargmnet of a wrod by piecnig eahc slyalbel of hte fargmnet toegtehr -tahnks

   thinking that the Canadian ice dancers did something that their hockey team couldn't do: beat the U.S....