Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to confession and told the priest I had impure thoughts about other religions.

   DANG MAAN! People in Cali don't know how to drive! >: o

   If you're happy and you know it go share that bullsh!t on facebook.

   Gaining weight isn't all bad. On the bright side, your clothes get so tight you don't need to iron the creases out.

   Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!

   _ I'll bet if it ever really rained cats and dogs, Bob Barker would be pissed because who's gonna neuter them all?

   You can't fix stupid, but you can duct tape it!

   Dear google, when I type in the letter A and you suggest Anna Kournikova Nude, please produce results, Thank you.

   I'm pretty sure that the demise of dinosaurs was because they were driving hybrids.

   My Vertigo meds warn that they "may cause dizziness"...WTF! That's like the blue pill warning that it "may cause chemical castration"!

   sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force

   I hate when I ask my wife 'Am I looking Handsome?' and she remembers a joke which she heard earlier and laugh way too hard to even answer me

   I suspect someone has a voodoo doll of me out there that they make watch Jersey Shore and listen to Justin Bierber.

   A mosh pit at a Star Wars concert is basically just nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.

   I hate when people post pictures of broccoli and asparagus while I'm having a bucket of fried chicken and a Sprite.

   If you didn't want me to sleep at work, maybe you shouldn't have given me the paycheck to buy the drugs w/ in the first place. Work's fault.

   The say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of Vodka and saw the wall movie by itself

   Thinks some of the crowd left Daytona with skid marks in their pants

   I bought a dishwasher from a guy in Croydon off e-Bay, now I have a 14 yr old girl with a speech impediment, eating all of my mustard.

   Hugo Chavez and that kid Manny on Modern Family look just alike.