Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   I had a great joke, but Ryan Leaf stole it......

   Sure, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission!....Oh Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

   I wake up in the morning expected when in reality HE can make it unexpected at any given time. Shout out to the BIG homie GOD.

   We've got way too many pointless idioms but at the end of the day it is what it is & it's all good.

   People usually complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

   ATTENTION !! Today has just been Upgraded to ... FRISKY FRIDAY !!! Thank you...

   Reading the first dozen pages, reminds me of reading something from the 50s...so wholesome.

   My money keeps unfriending and unfollowing me.

   If I Can See It, Smell It, Or Pee On It, It Belongs To Me!! ~ I Got The Big Dog Attitude Today!.. Or It Can Also Be Called I Just Had 2 Beers Attitude!

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   Odd,, that Yahoo's search for a new CEO got only one result...

   Tell me about a time you made someone feel like sh!t." - airline employee interview question.

   Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.

   Theory is when you know everything but nothing works, Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.... At work Theory and Practice is combined, as nothing works and no one knows why :)

   MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 U

   im at A & E just a quick word of warning the dyson ball cleaner is not what you think it is `

   Secret to using the best approach when attempting to engage in conversation with me ... don't.

   In my dream, I was just about to have sex with Meagan Fox, but my alarm went off. You can say I got clock blocked.

   A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head. The bartender says, "Jesus fella, what happened to you?" The toad says, "It all started with a wart on the ass!"