Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

   Had one of those DNA test done. Turns out I'm related to Adam and Eve.

   f a Police Officer says "Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence..." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer..."

   Q. What's in the toilet of the USS Enterprise? A. The Captain's log.

   My wife's face is all black and blue because she didn't listen to me. The last thing I said was "Honey! Watch out for that lamp post!"

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Guns, Bacon and T|t$.

   Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?

   I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.

   Does chewing on a slipper while having sex count as 'doggy style'?

   will Hurricane Matthew be followed by hurricanes Mark, Luke & John?

   If you make eye contact with yourself while brushing your teeth in the mirror you have to swallow.

   Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation

   I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   Happy Father's Day to all you mf'er's out there!

   Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks

   Merck Pharma, Intel & Under Armour's CEOs all walked away from Trump after the Charlottesville incident? What the heck is going on?

   Ate lunch at Cracker Barrel today. I didn't see any barrels but I did see a lot of Crackers!!

   I just put Cheez-Wiz on a Cheez-It......... Like a Boss!

   Sorry to disturb you guys, but is this the right place to sign up for a mental breakdown?