Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're so fabulous, I'm pretty sure you sh*t glitter.

   When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"

   Me: "Do you want to go out” Her: "Like on a date?" Me: "No...out on a bridge so I can push you off!"

   Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?" Me: "Why? What've you got?"

   According to his wife, Rolf Harris has been painting since the day of his arrest - his cell is going to look lovely! Hope you rot in hell Rolf...

   Maybe cops who plant evidence just really love gardening.

   "Here, tell me if my butthole stinks." ~cats

   England invaded us Scottish all those years ago and all you got was Michelle McManus, Men wearing skirts, fried mars bars and Asians with Scottish accent. However, we got Michelle Keegan, kelly brook, & warmer weather. Sounds like a good deal to me...

   When you're truly beautiful you don't need to remind people in every other selfie caption.

   Hillary Clinton naked. Oops. This isn't Google.

   I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertakers entrance

   If we had to pay for internet ink. Facebook wouldn't exist.

   For all those guys wearing skinny jeans....I believe you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way.

   Regular People: "Sorry I am late. Traffic was nuts" Moms: "Sorry I'm late. My daughter's sweater was too sweater-y and the baby ate a band aid."

   Hillary Clinton is the first person who identifies as a female to become the presumptive Democrat Party nominee. Although Bernie ran as a close second.

   Well, basically you just touch her down there" - Getting To Third Base Coach

   My U.S. citizneship was questioned because I wasn't out of breath after walking up a flight of staris.

   I don't know what part of donating blood I like more, the free cookies or that I can get drunk faster afterwords.

   Why does it look like some of my friends took their profile pic with an old Polaroid Camera?

   Did any one else get cat-fished by taco bells breakfast?