Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than your call.

   I'd tell you to go to Hell, but that just means I'd have to see you again.

   Between Bruce Jenner and the Kardashians, they should all be court ordered to go to driving school.

   The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea & stomach pains. A kind of feeling that a husband gets when he sees his wife going through his phone ..

   I thank God for my daughter every day. How else would I know I'm "So stupid".

   It's Earth Day. I love the earth. There is something about the Earth that makes me constantly gravitate towards it.

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.

   Email, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

   You're so fabulous, I'm pretty sure you sh*t glitter.

   When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"

   Me: "Do you want to go out” Her: "Like on a date?" Me: "No...out on a bridge so I can push you off!"

   Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?" Me: "Why? What've you got?"

   According to his wife, Rolf Harris has been painting since the day of his arrest - his cell is going to look lovely! Hope you rot in hell Rolf...

   Maybe cops who plant evidence just really love gardening.

   "Here, tell me if my butthole stinks." ~cats

   England invaded us Scottish all those years ago and all you got was Michelle McManus, Men wearing skirts, fried mars bars and Asians with Scottish accent. However, we got Michelle Keegan, kelly brook, & warmer weather. Sounds like a good deal to me...

   When you're truly beautiful you don't need to remind people in every other selfie caption.

   Hillary Clinton naked. Oops. This isn't Google.

   I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertakers entrance

   If we had to pay for internet ink. Facebook wouldn't exist.