Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the akward moment when you meet someone of the Internet N they look nothing like their pics

   You guys, hear, about these, rogue commas, going around?

   Okay everyone, with all the lovely things I have been purchasing on credit, please join me on Sunday May 22nd for a garage sale at 25% off. PLEASE!

   That tv show 'The Mentalist' is nowhere near as good as the title suggests 

   MLIA view Today, one of my friends said to me if you say "Gullible" really slow, it sounds like ice cream. I said "Ice Cream" really slow and then I said, "Wow! It does!" He responded with, "No, you're supposed to say gullible slowly." And I reply with,

   Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.

   If the world is going to end May 21st it could at least end at 7AM not 6PM so I dont have to go to work.

   How I eat my ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat dry ramen noodle block 3. Drink boiling water 4. Snort seasoning packet 5. Cry myself to sleep

   That blonde's cleavage in that engery drink commercial WORX for me.

   wise beyond my beers.

   Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing.

   This weekend Skynet becomes self-aware and starts Judgement Day while Obama sleeps on the decision about turning it off. Meanwhile, the Terminator is running loose in California knocking-up anyone that gets in his way.

   Dear Schwarzenegger, You were a 'Running man' from your 'True Lies',and your 'Predator' ways will have you spending your 'End of Days' with 'Junior'. Good thing it wasn't 'Twins'.(mood:first mistake was going 'Commando')

   The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that's coming.

   At first I was excited that the Bulls game got pushed back, but when I found out Oprah's s\Secrets was not a new line of plus size lingerie I have to admit I was disappointed

   Relationships are like fat people most of them dont work out

   Next time I go to the opera... I'm taking my own fat lady in case I need to leave early.

   thinking this whole rapture thing is going to create jobs.... And both democrats and republicans are going to try and take credit.

   If you're a man and shave your legs I hope you're ok with being called a pre-op transsexual. P.S. I don't care if you enjoy swimming

   Rapture Tip: Bring a trash bag to collect left behind clothes . You'll only have a couple hours before the best stuff is picked over.