Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says a clean house is the sign of a broken computer

   why do all the other reindeer have brown noses??? Because they aren't as quick to stop as Rudolph

   The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.

   thinks parents are only as good as their dumbest kid... If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.

   from a real tough neighborhood. he bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

   The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

   I guess I just want you to know that I care about you enough to piss on your gums if your teeth ever catch on fire...

   My kid has A.D.D. and a couple of F's.

   Behind every successfull woman... is a man checking out at her ass!

   I know you, what's your name???

   Where do babies come from? Two teenagers and a six-pack

   My guinea pigs are smarter than you! :P

   She said no booty calls. Well this calls for some head!

   I could never stay mad at you" actually means "cross me & I will drop you like an AT&T call."

   If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon?

   When a cat sees a sandbox, he must feel like a human viewing a 50 ft. toilet.

   The Eleventh Commandment : "Thou Shall Not Get Caught "

   just watched 'The Wall' DVD while listening to a Pink Floyd album. If they are started in just the right sequence, the album synchronizes exactly with the movie. The words of the songs almost seem to be coming from the mouths of the actors. Really freaky!

   I'm a little bit hungry. I could eat a pony

   has finish with the Wild Turkey on the rocks for lunch, and moved on to Grey Goose straight up for Thanksgiving Dinner. this is just Fowl