Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not supposed to be up this late...

   on my space trying to Google your you tube

   At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

   says a clean house is the sign of a broken computer

   why do all the other reindeer have brown noses??? Because they aren't as quick to stop as Rudolph

   The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.

   thinks parents are only as good as their dumbest kid... If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.

   from a real tough neighborhood. he bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

   The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

   My guinea pigs are smarter than you! :P

   She said no booty calls. Well this calls for some head!

   I could never stay mad at you" actually means "cross me & I will drop you like an AT&T call."

   If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon?

   When a cat sees a sandbox, he must feel like a human viewing a 50 ft. toilet.

   I guess I just want you to know that I care about you enough to piss on your gums if your teeth ever catch on fire...

   My kid has A.D.D. and a couple of F's.

   Behind every successfull woman... is a man checking out at her ass!

   I know you, what's your name???

   Where do babies come from? Two teenagers and a six-pack

   The Eleventh Commandment : "Thou Shall Not Get Caught "