Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

   A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

   Whoppi threatening to leave the US if Trump is elected is like an endorsement for Trump

   Saying "I'm offended" is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.

   Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.

   Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

   Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for 'Old Spice'?

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.

   You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.

   After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.

   If a guys says ''I can't feel anything wearing trhis condom!'' Ask him if he can feel you sucking the money out of his paycheck for trhe next 18 years!!!''

   One of the most important things I've learned in life is to have at least one person with whom you never need to explain yourself.

   If cockroaches can survive nuclear war and chemical warfare, then I want to know what is in a can of RAID?

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.

   My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" I said.."And whose fault is that?"

   We all used Facebook out of curiosity and it ended as an addiction.

   As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought... "Just throw the d@mn thing."

   I hate it when I wake up from drinking and I have "I love c0ck" written on my forehead. Especially when I've been drinking at home alone.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You're actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.

   When talking with a woman in her 30s, it's super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she's in her 30s.