Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are in love with a guy when you think about having sex with him.

   I figured out what Obama was talking about when he said there is going to be CHANGE.It's all we have left to carry in our front pocket when he is done taking his part !!!!

   never fully dressed without a smile!

   wishing your network didn't extend to her

   I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced I keep the house.

   I really want to meet yo mamma! She sounds pretty fat...

   Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

   I've just decided I want a bunch of kids with several baby mamas, so my children will all look different and I can match em' with my wardrobe

   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!

   takes the "THE" out of psychotherapist...

   All we need to survive is, one person who truly loves us

   No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed

   On Easter Sunday when Jesus came forth from the tomb and ascended into heaven he was technically moving back in with his parents.

   what the difference between a g@y guy mustache and a straight guy mustache? ... The smell

   Jerk off so hard your sperm dies of shaken baby syndrome.

   Necrophilia, lay back and crack open a cold one.

   Sacha Baron Cohen's TV show, Who Is America?, is the greatest!

   There's going to be a huge line outside of Whitney Houston's funeral next week. Which, coincidentally, is what killed her.

   I went to the garage today to unpack Christmas decorations. I found a present from last year that I had forgotten to give the kids. I was so disappointed! They would really have loved that kitten.

   I don't consider myself a Tebow hater...that label is placed on we Tebow realists by his sycophantic minions. Just now...he threw a dead on pass...at the receiver's ankles.