Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water, all I have to do is defrost it!

   What's 7 inches long with a purple head and women love it? ... A twenty pound note!

   I am not childish!! Stop calling me that you big doo doo head.

   wear his wife's eyeglasses because she wants him to see things her way

   Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted and always ready to charge.

   if you replaced every time you read, wand, in a Harry Potter book, with the word Willy, the hilarity is immense.

   Trying to quit smoking. By the way.. Apologies go out to the mormon missionary eating the junior mint..I tried to tell you..I don't do mormon but menthol is my brand...I hope your recovery goes quickly.

   today will mostly be dry with a few wet patches but enough about my trousers

   If my MTV carreer doesn't work out I think i'm goin to buy a gun.. and sell crack. I'll be a friendly crack dealer though, nothing too formal. I'll just be like 'what's up, want some crack?'

   I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become. I liked it when they were a bit more underground.

   Bad breath + Bad body odor = Undateable

   That rather uneasy moment when Jesus comes back to Earth, but everyone moved to Mars.

   and they have been telling me for years, salad was good for me, well f'ck that i'm sticking to chips.

   If you aren't going to neuter your male dog then please make him wear underwear. I don't wanna see his junk anymore than I wanna see your's.

   What goes around comes around. That's what people say. So all the pain you caused me will come back to you someday.

   The best part of waking up...isBUDLIGHT in your cup!

   The Pilgrims were refugees and the Native Americans took them in, fed them and helped them, don't ever forget

   Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

   Real men who care for, cherish and love a woman faithfully, deserve the butthole at least once..

   If Donald Trump shot himself would his poll numbers shoot up?