Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whats the definition of Necrophelia? Its that irresistable urge to crack open a cold one.

   I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water, all I have to do is defrost it!

   Bad breath + Bad body odor = Undateable

   That rather uneasy moment when Jesus comes back to Earth, but everyone moved to Mars.

   and they have been telling me for years, salad was good for me, well f'ck that i'm sticking to chips.

   If you aren't going to neuter your male dog then please make him wear underwear. I don't wanna see his junk anymore than I wanna see your's.

   What goes around comes around. That's what people say. So all the pain you caused me will come back to you someday.

   The best part of waking up...isBUDLIGHT in your cup!

   The Pilgrims were refugees and the Native Americans took them in, fed them and helped them, don't ever forget

   Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

   Real men who care for, cherish and love a woman faithfully, deserve the butthole at least once..

   If Donald Trump shot himself would his poll numbers shoot up?

   Why do baby clothes have pockets? What do they need them for..baby wallets?

   If there is a god out there, it is his duty and responsibility to prove his existence to me. It's not a fellow human being's job.

   Who needs a TV reality show when you have the GOP civil war to look forward to?

   I can't believe so many Americans from the Bible Belt plan to vote for Trump. If he gets to build his wall, he'll be keeping Jesus out of the country.

   Judging people by their race and sex is wrong. I wish you priveledged white men would get that!

   President Trump's Favorite KFC Meal: The Suckers Bucket.

   Donald Trump's still calling the Iran deal the worst deal he's ever witnessed. Was he not there when he signed for his casinos & airline?

   What happens when you pepper spray a German? He can Nazi.