Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   mad as hell my toaster oven burned my toast again....I must be Black-toast intolerant.

   Happy Beer the 13th

   How do I set my Lazer Printer to Stun?

   thinks a religious war compares to 2 kids having an arguement who got the toughest imaginary friend

   As I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo" not "ah choo" so maybe my sneeze is Canadian?

   Riding through the aisles of Walmart on a scooter from the toy section wearing some Cookie Monster Tighty Whities, rainbow striped thigh high socks, wearing a construction hat and screaming FREE WILLIE while knocking over everything in site until loss pre

   at the nail salon & a lady working there asked me something. I couldn't understand, so I asked my nail tech to tell her that. He turns and said to her, "She stupid, she no understand". thx a lot nail tech..no tip for you! ha

   Sometimes I just gotta take a ride on the Dude Train

   it takes six licks to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop! (with a slight crunch)

   every time I utilize paper towels regardless of the brand I always compare them to the quicker picker upper..

   The Makers of K-2 has just come out with another break through synthetic, called J-2. Its Synthetic Jesus in incense form. No need to go to church now, you are automatically saved from hell fire and damnation! Side effects may include speaking in tongues.

   A great way to start my day, I got a speeding ticket on my way to work & got written up for getting late...

   95% of People who say, "Study! Study! Study!" during finals week are actually reading...Too bad they don't realize Facebook is not actually a book.....

   Better to have people think you are an idiot then opening your mouth and proving them right

   I think, therefore I thought.

   Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is sooo wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.

   ‎"I'm sorry"~Reggie Bush

   Your Skin Is Pale White and you dont go out in the sun. Say it,Vampire. No I just play a lot of world of warcraft.

   shopping for halloween costumes with Tera Patrick.

   dressing as pac-man and chasing people in burka's.