Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my defense your honor. She enjoyed the time she spent in my basement.

   I like to believe that somewhere out there the British Lindsay Lohan (from the Parent Trap movie) has managed to live a more stable life.

   Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss Reruns of 'Grey's Anatomy.' Bill said, 'I watched it once. Not enough anatomy.'"

   Indians seem to always have a Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, " Its 3 O'clock my friend but for you I will make it 2.30".

   My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."

   have you ever sat thru an entire light at a intersection cause you were too busy looking at your phone?....me neither

   Due to the recent debate over public restrooms from this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Pats!

   You can tell kids you're friends with Donald Trump, they don't know.

   I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah.

   This election is like choosing how you want to be killed. Sir, here are your two choices. Do you want to be killed with a Hillary or a Donald?

   Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

   What do you say when God sneezes?

   The only problem I have is behaving

   You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

   Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?

   There are an alarming amount of people getting engaged or married on my Facebook recently. Got my brain ticking with how much thought and planning they must have put into it. I don't even know what I'm having for breakfast tomorrow let alone get married

   Mindset: Whatever happens happens

   This woman can cook up a storm. I think after dumping her I am going to offer her the job to be my personal chef.

   I don't even bother to look in the mirror anymore. If I do than I'll see that I should probably shave. . .

   Marriage? If I wanted to share a room with someone I'm not having sex with I'd have gone back to high-school!