Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah.

   This election is like choosing how you want to be killed. Sir, here are your two choices. Do you want to be killed with a Hillary or a Donald?

   Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

   What do you say when God sneezes?

   The only problem I have is behaving

   You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

   Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?

   There are an alarming amount of people getting engaged or married on my Facebook recently. Got my brain ticking with how much thought and planning they must have put into it. I don't even know what I'm having for breakfast tomorrow let alone get married

   Mindset: Whatever happens happens

   This woman can cook up a storm. I think after dumping her I am going to offer her the job to be my personal chef.

   I don't even bother to look in the mirror anymore. If I do than I'll see that I should probably shave. . .

   Marriage? If I wanted to share a room with someone I'm not having sex with I'd have gone back to high-school!

   Women... Most of the time we don't get you anyway, so no need to be all covert with your weird sh*t. Just be weird and sexy.

   When she says, "No its fine, I'll just go by myself". That's pretty much the figure four leg lock of passive aggressive behavior.

   Music should come in 3 genres: music you fight to, music you f#@k to and music you speed to.

   I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

   Do these yoga pants make me look like I want to have sex with you?

   Last night I kicked off my shoes, stripped down to my boxers and laid on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn. Enjoying the experience of the new home theater system. Apparently the Best Buy salesman wanted me to take it home and try it first.

   6 yrs now the dogs have forgotten fathers day...not even a hug..

   Sure, my glass is half full. But my beer is half empty