Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really do see myself being in a committed relationship some day. Only destiny (or the courts) can decide to which institution.

   Some symptoms of psychopathic behavior are manipulativeness, pathological lying, lack of empathy and writing 'heeeeeeey' in texts.

   My wife just asked me if I have a girlfriend and I was like, "God, that's soooo two days ago."

   May the fleas of 1000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it.

   The Saints are rooting for the Cowboys because its the same as a bye week.

   'Tis the season in Chicagoland where there is a fine line between illegal lane usage and dodging pot holes.

   If I ever decide I do not want to get on facebook I'm not going to delete my account.. What I will do is see if I can get all my friends and family to delete and block me before facebook deletes my account for me

   Has Susanne Atanus looked in a mirror? What's god punishing her for?

   The great thing about hanging up on someone is you can no longer hear them talking.

   Love fades with time, shape, weight, looks and bank balance.

   Wow Newman looks the best out of all of them

   Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds

   Slipped on a banana peel and fate caught me

   “I want to see my lawyer” - grilled chicken

   Malaria is a pretty name for a girl.

   Presidents Day is here, when we can celebrate Abraham Lincoln driving all the vampires out of the USA

   For valentine's day I wrote out a list of 100 ways we can die together.

   Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...

   FACT: I prefer Dairy Queen Blizzards to Jonas blizzards.

   Now I'm not Mexicana but I think that new song "no me gusta" is Spanish for "That's not my Goose"