Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Was the Golf War because Tiger Woods was a bad man? ~ My friends 9 year old daughter. Shout out to home schooling.

   Unless the only drama in this relationship is just us out of alcohol, I am indifferent to it.

   "You know what would make this taste a whole lot better? Turkey bacon!" ~ No one, ever.

   Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh.

   In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the heck am I doing here i'm a savannah animal

   If you're happy and you know it clank your chains.

   I used to complain aobut how much a cup of coffee was at Starbucks... after seeing how much a "cup" is at the VIctoria Secret Fashion show, I'm getting a GREAT deal at Starbucks...

   If you insist on always looking on the bright side of things then you better have sunglasses on.

   I really do see myself being in a committed relationship some day. Only destiny (or the courts) can decide to which institution.

   Some symptoms of psychopathic behavior are manipulativeness, pathological lying, lack of empathy and writing 'heeeeeeey' in texts.

   My wife just asked me if I have a girlfriend and I was like, "God, that's soooo two days ago."

   May the fleas of 1000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it.

   The Saints are rooting for the Cowboys because its the same as a bye week.

   'Tis the season in Chicagoland where there is a fine line between illegal lane usage and dodging pot holes.

   If I ever decide I do not want to get on facebook I'm not going to delete my account.. What I will do is see if I can get all my friends and family to delete and block me before facebook deletes my account for me

   Has Susanne Atanus looked in a mirror? What's god punishing her for?

   The great thing about hanging up on someone is you can no longer hear them talking.

   Love fades with time, shape, weight, looks and bank balance.

   Wow Newman looks the best out of all of them

   Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds