Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".

   caterpillars, all kids first pet. At least for 5 mins.

   I stEverytime a kid shows me a picture or play dough sculpture, I have to do a better one. Not so proud now, are ya?

   Shout Out to the first person to post a Youtube video on Facebook.... Happy now?

   just got robbed at the gas station.. police came down and said "do you know who robbed you"? I replied "yes.. pump number 6"

   Oh so...they taking money made from Gas to give it to the winner of the MegaMillion Lottery!! Aint that some sh!t!!!

   You say "potato," I say "larger more powerful potato."

   Love doesn't ask why, it ask "When and where?"

   If you put your kid's GPA in your Christmas card's the grandparents might be proud of them but everyone else is gonna think YOU'RE a di<k!

   If all the good ones are taken does that make me bad cause I'm single...lol

   You won't regret the men you never killed, but you will regret the women you passed up.

   Being a nobody and getting your head pumped up by a bunch of other nobodys does NOT make you a somebody. 0 + 0 is still 0...Just FYI...

   the best parties is the ones you dont remember

   My neighbors always listen to deep-throat movies with the volume cranked up all the way...whether they want to or not !!

   A good plan tonight is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. So get her buzzed before the club lights come on & she gets a good look at you.

   I can think of 14 tweets about cat buttholes but I don't want you to think I'm insane or anything.

   Laughter burns calories.

   this is the earliest I've ever been late...

   I lose interest in books and movies that take place in the past because, hello, I know I turn out just fine.

   PSA: Red Bull does NOT give you actual wings. It gives you the false sense of wings. I learned this the hard way today. Luckily the frozen ground broke my fall.