Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just think, without microwave ovens, we couldn't drink 50 degree hot chocolate from a 500 degree mug!

   If given a choice between getting a tattoo or throwing my money on the ground, whoever is behind me is going to be very happy!

   I farted in Wallmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

   35% of your Facebook friends see your posts. Less than 1% react or comment. These stats don't apply to females who post swimsuit pics or b00bs. They're at 100%.

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   May the Kool-Aid be strong with you.

   A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.

   Euthanasia is OK, but most people can live without it.

   There’s good sex, then there’s no-hole-left-untouched sex.

   Disgusting! The Toronto Raptors are in the NBA finals. This is all Obama's fault!

   I'm happy to say that my life is now plastic free! except for a few Tupperware containers and my Facebook account.

   So why did poor Sally sell seashells on the seashore when anyone could just walk along the beach and pick them up for free?

   I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it's not their fault that I'm scared of them. I do however, scream while doing so.

   2017 is turning out to be one huge waste of time.

   I know it's early..but I often forget things, so I've just written my letter to Santa, warning him not to drink the milk at Bill Cosby's place!!

   my coffee this morning taste a bit Islamic

   Brexit, is a British expression. Translated into American, Brexit means "Money exiting my 401k."

   Sorry Britain ..... The United States won the "Exit Race" by leaving European control way back on July 4, 1776. However ... let's all celebrate our Independence this Independence Day!

   The female Praying Mantis devours the male immediately after mating ...... While a Human female prefers to spread it out over an entire lifetime.