Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why you acting hollywood when you ain't never been to Hollywood!!

   this Mali fighting needs to stop. I keep thinking the headline reads Mall shooting...

   Why raise your middle finger to a hater when you can break their jaw?!

   I hope my kids never ask to me to explain why Simpsons p0rn exists.

   my moral compass is whichever direction my d ick points

   I want my 15 mins of fame to happen in the bedroom.

   The best thing about Youtube videos is when they have managed to keep the good VHS quality.

   Star Wars 7 will be coming out now. I think this is gonna be the one where Pee Wee trys to steal his bike back from Ernest

   it's always better to be the crop duster than the dusted crop!

   I will immediately switch over to the iphone the moment they replace Siri's voice with the voice of Kate Beckinsale.

   You're either with me or a murder victim.

   I just want to do my part. Are prostitutes a small business?

   It might get dark and really cold in winter but at least it doesn't stay like that the whole year like your soul.

   okay...who the hell keeps kicking my shoes under the bed.

   all I ask for is 100% loyalty, no strings attached.

   jealous of his parents because he will never have a kid as awesome as theirs.

   Happy Hump Day this. It's too far in to see the weekend from either direction.

   For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.

   A woman who is clear on her desires, takes and does not wait to be taken.

   It's going to feel real good to wack the next person I catch in the office kitchen who leaves a half peice of paper towel on the roll and finds it to lazy to open up a new one!!!