Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's always better to be the crop duster than the dusted crop!

   I will immediately switch over to the iphone the moment they replace Siri's voice with the voice of Kate Beckinsale.

   You're either with me or a murder victim.

   I just want to do my part. Are prostitutes a small business?

   It might get dark and really cold in winter but at least it doesn't stay like that the whole year like your soul.

   okay...who the hell keeps kicking my shoes under the bed.

   all I ask for is 100% loyalty, no strings attached.

   jealous of his parents because he will never have a kid as awesome as theirs.

   Happy Hump Day this. It's too far in to see the weekend from either direction.

   If your life involves less drinking and cursing, it's gonna involve less of me.

   I mean I was in a good mood, but that was before I wake up.

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.

   just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die

   I'm at one of those awkward stages in my weight loss effort where one belt notch is too loose and the next one is too tight.

   Be wary of programmers bearing screwdrivers. Be VERY wary of programmers bearing soldering irons.

   Life is too short to be a basketball player

   My objective is to die young...as late in life as possible...

   I'm not agoraphobically antisocial. I just refuse to leave my house and talk to stupid people.

   I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.

   anyone else watching this verbal pay-per-view match? the folks on tv call it a "debate"