Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rihanna was about 1/8 of an inch away from a wardrobe malfunction on that last number.

   I've just seen the new rise of the planet of the apes trailer! it's funny how it's very similar to the London riots! Most expensive publicity stunt ever

   still think that Carlos Santana looks exactly like Muammar Gaddafi...Carlos Santana better be laying low for a while until this whole thing settles down

   it messed up that I place some 1 else's parking ticket on my car so I wouldn't get one...I was going to put it back when I got finished with my business but they pulled off.. Now they might get charged a extra $10 for not paying on time

   pull out the umbrella... somebody just rained on my parade

   Just crossed over into the Friend Zone.

   I wonder what's trending right now...

   Dear razor companies: 4 blades, seriously? If you really wanna impress me you will invent a shaving hatchet!

   You know you had Taco Bell when the toilet seat remains warm between visits...

   thinking about lighting up the fire pit to cool down outside

   fixing something with WD-40 and a Craftsman wrench.

   When you think about it there aren't that many songs about rainbows.

   Make crime pay...become a lawyer.

   We just got a new toaster...And of course my impatient a$$ bf would try n stick a knife inside of it to get the bread out...

   Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

   People don't leave bad relationships, but they leave bad partners.

   saying sorry in advance for any overuse of "21 Questions" Facebook e-mail notifications. I'm just really curious to find out who thinks I have a cute butt

   selling all of his now soon to be worthless Apple Stock

   My generosity has such underlying desperation.

   In the absence of information, people make sh!t up. Worse, if they feel threatened, they make sh!t up that amplifies their worst fears.