Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wish I was a bird, so that when times got tough I could just fly over certain people and sh*t on their heads!

   A guy preaching in town today said to me"Madam do you believe in the second coming?" I said "with my hushusbandband I'm lucky if I come once!" I'm lucky if

   Err -45 degrees! Does that read right!? Thought this was global warming! I see an ice age!

   Just ran into my ex at the store. He has a wonderful new girlfriend now. Much better than I ever was. So I told him I had half a sandwich in my car and did she want those leftovers, too.

   BBC News: "Plus size women worth $10 billion to the fashion industry." Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...

   Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go Jesus. It's yer birfday. We gonna party like it's yer birfday. We gonna sip some egg nog like it's yer birfday. And you know we gonna give some gifts cuz dats yer birfday.

   For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has everyone talking about her latest 'Hit.' :/

   The best part about it being monday is Monday Night FOOTBALL! yeah buddie :)

   Dear kids, There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents. Sincerely: WIKILEAKS

   NBA = Nlggas Balling Again

   Cotton is getting expensive huh... If only there was a way to get people to pick cotton for free...hm

   Goodbye M.J... you touched everyone in all generations in some manner. Mind you, touching the kids WAS innaproprate though...

   R.I.P Mandela excuse me while I take this selfie at your funeral---Obama

   Jesus had two dads and he seemed to turn on just fine.

   "insert clever remark here."

   There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence

   about to beat my di@# like it owes me money.

   The only time a girl should Kneel down for a guy, is the day she ties her son's shoe-laces.

   Roman Catholic establishment has 1.2billion followers or as I like to call them, sheep.

   What is it with the color, black, that makes you think of hard-core violence?