Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   James Gandolfini is dead and we have a new Kardashian. Athiests win....there is no god...

   Ask not what my pen*s can do for you... but what you can do for my pen*s.

   I don't give a crap about you, your, you're or there, their, they're. I'm only worried about tiddy, titty or tittie…

   Ain't no worse feeling than someone you love thinking and believing you did something you didn't even do.

   A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette and exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflies?

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind

   When all else fails, just slap yourself in the face.

   I Rock, Therefore I Am. I'm Stoned, Therefore I Have the Munchies.

   wondering what name do atheists call out in bed?

   Imac, i-pad, i-phone, i-pod, i-tab………. and finally i-bankrupt :(

   Simon sure does look alot like Steven Tyler this year, huh?

   Just remember if the world didnt suck, we'd all fall off

   Wonders what the 1st person that ate a pineapple was thinking... Hmmm that's a funny looking thing, I believe I'll eat it.

   The easy way to teach a woman the true value of money is to borrow it from her.

   You know how you're in a rush to meet someone or be somewhere at a certain time and then they call you to find out where you are, you're so far away you lie and tell them you're somewhere like 10 min ahead of you

   TThere is a difference between being "passionate" about your religious and political beliefs and being down-right "hateful." The former acquires respect. (...the latter gets unfriended.)

   Married with Children is the best comedy out there right now! 25 years on...when are Comedies going to be worth watching?

   "Common sense..its in high demand... And short supply"

   A girl who only gives hand jobs is most likely the same b*tch who gives out apples on Halloween

   If you want your food delivered faster by the delivery driver working in the middle of a pandemic with very little base pay and no benefits don't forget to tip!