Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unless your girlfriend is Rihanna, she doesn't love the way you lie.

   kleptomania! But when it get's bad I take something for it.

   So my Twitter machine started making this odd noise and vibrating and the words "Incoming Call" were on my screen. What the hell is THAT?!?!

   In honor of having to work today, I'm not going to do a goddamned thing.

   Thanks to the economy my wallet is emptier than a potato chip bag at a Weight Watchers meeting!

   when people make noise by their high heels, I want to smack them, with that shoes, on their head.

   Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

   Eagles wide reciever Riley Cooper has been excused from all team activities so that he can go attend a cooking class with Paula Deen

   Women, can't live with them, can't live without them. Might as well suffer and live with them.

   Whenever God closes a door, the Devil pushes me out a window.

   Cool...I just won an award for laziness,.. I sent a buddy to pick it up for me...

   Bite marks and bruises, or it didn't happen...

   ** Breaking News, stores in Colorado and Washington are having a hard time keeping up with the demand for Funyuns. Store owners say the demand has grown a million times since yesterday. **

   Last night I found an actual cricket in my bed. Oh the irony!

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.

   Hi, my name's Steve, or as the ladies like to call me "Hey, what the hell are you doing in that tree with those binoculars, get out of here you freak!!!"

   can't help but wonder just how different the world would be if people's pants actually caught on fire when they lied. 0 up, 0 down

   I think "Charlie" In The Box is a little light in the spring. If ya know what I mean.

   on a ship of fools in a sea of diarrhea looking for that Island of reality

   Everything about you is sweet and kind and perfect. I can help you change that.