Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eagles wide reciever Riley Cooper has been excused from all team activities so that he can go attend a cooking class with Paula Deen

   Women, can't live with them, can't live without them. Might as well suffer and live with them.

   Whenever God closes a door, the Devil pushes me out a window.

   Cool...I just won an award for laziness,.. I sent a buddy to pick it up for me...

   Bite marks and bruises, or it didn't happen...

   ** Breaking News, stores in Colorado and Washington are having a hard time keeping up with the demand for Funyuns. Store owners say the demand has grown a million times since yesterday. **

   Last night I found an actual cricket in my bed. Oh the irony!

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.

   Hi, my name's Steve, or as the ladies like to call me "Hey, what the hell are you doing in that tree with those binoculars, get out of here you freak!!!"

   can't help but wonder just how different the world would be if people's pants actually caught on fire when they lied. 0 up, 0 down

   I think "Charlie" In The Box is a little light in the spring. If ya know what I mean.

   on a ship of fools in a sea of diarrhea looking for that Island of reality

   Everything about you is sweet and kind and perfect. I can help you change that.

   Deleting ppl from FB has become the new way to hang-up on ppl. I still miss the feeling I get from hanging-up the phone on someone face!!

   In my car, I control the music. If this is a problem for you, just remember this... your life is in my hands. I am the one who is driving. I can kill us.

   There's no "i" in ignorant.

   Sippin' Grillin' Chillin'... MERICA

   I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had

   My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

   "Where is it? Oh there it is. Where'd it go? I can't see it. Is that the puck? Oh there it is...wait, lost it again." - me, watching hockey