Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men cheat the most, women cheat the best.

   I'm convinced half of you are on drugs and the other half should be.

   If someome "rubs you the wrong way" its your fault for letting them rub you." And not telling them how to rub.

   The worst thing ever = that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

   At a vegan 4th of July barbecue. These sadness burgers are delicious.

   I can always tell if they use fake dinosaurs in films.

   It won't be easier just to erase every comment with more than 20 dislikes and almost no likes?

   So I told my bofriend I need a commitment from him so he sent his playboy subscribtion to my house

   I only knew one LA Clipper fan before this season and he used to get made fun of everyday for it.

   1-2 Freddy's coming for you... opps wrong movie! Happy Friday the 13th filled with horny teenagers and not machete wielding maniacs!!! ;)

   My neighbor is sleeping off his hangover on my front lawn again. I think he needs another drink.

   Not caring about having a great body..caz lets face it food is better !

   I fold and hang clothes all day at work...then on my day off I have to do laundry...now I know what a prostitute feels like coming home to her man

   Circles are straighter than Justin Bieber.

   Relationships are like TATTOOS. They LOOK better than they FEEL.

   Finding a teen that does not have child is like finding the back to my remote

   My neighbor has been stealing my WI-FI network. I'm going to change the password to "I screwed your wife".

   "BLARGH...mmm, this looks good. nom nom nom...BLARGHH...hey, where'd this come from? yum!...BLARGHHH..." - my dog, throwing up

   chews my gum loud n proud cuz it annoys sooo many people

   Normal person flirting: "Hey, you're really cute".....Me:"Your face, I like that shxT!"