Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.

   "If anyone here knows why these two should not be married speak now or-"......*Admiral Akbar rises*...... "IT'S A TRAP!!!..."

   "Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life."

   Facebook should have a limit on how many selfies you can post in a day...

   A Youtube wet t-shirt contest to benefit ALS... I bet the breast cancer marketers wish they had thought of that one...

   Can I have your cyber-attention please ?

   Government responses: Ferguson: lets hope for the best ISIS: we'll def look into it Nude Pics Leak: THE FBI WILL BRING DOWN THESE TERRORISTS

   How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!

   *Shows up to salsa lessons with Tostitos* Haha what the heck are you idiots doing

   Maybe men wouldn't have such a low tolerance for pain if women didn't have such a low tolerance for men in pain...

   Well as tomorrow approaches, November 1st. I can start growing my taint hair for "No Shave November." Will you notice?

   Hey Rob Lowe,,, You should have called,,,, I would have loaned you a couple of bucks!!

   Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.

   I would be at your side through anything, exepct a marathon.... screw that.

   Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.

   Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.

   I was surprised by how poorly attended my high school reunion was until I rememberd the graduation day bear attack.

   Human beings can be such a$$holes to each other.

   Nothing says clinically insane quite like having Multiple Facebook Accounts.

   Does a redhead with whiskey in her pocket qualify as rye n ginger?