Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i love you like a fat kid loves cake, but right now the fat kid is on a diet

   suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.

   If you want me to walk a mile in your shoes, you're going to have to buy the Dr. Scholls inner soles, ointments and powders

   Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

   I guess I will call this little 9 song playlist "The Night I Got Drunk and Decided World Music was Awesome"

   It's perfectly normal and all-American to eat peanut butter off of a steak knife ;) Just be careful!

   I'm thinking that Barney Frank's boyfriend already had a position at Fanny....

   If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie!

   The awkard moment where you say, "it's not me, it's you"....via text

   Use tSpelling bee on ESPN. Audience full of proud mom's sitting with dad's who'd rather have an illiterate son who could throw a ball.

   If you don't like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!

   Losing his kidneys at candy mountain

   Sending mixed signals should be a federal offence!

   feel so dissed the earthquake missed me. anyone else wanna rock my world?

   You Cant Tell Me Casey Anthony and Kreayshawn DON'T look alike.

   "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.

   thinks God invented whiskey so the Irish would never rule the world!

   There no need to miss someone from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future. 

   They done studies you know, 60% of the time it works everytime.

   Jack Daniels.