Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to put together last night events. No tiger in the bathroom. No face tattoo, ....can't find my pants

   It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

   Relationship status: everything sounds like "marry me" through duct tape

   Maybe at tonights Grammy's, Justin Bieber will get the award of Demerit.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   Missed it by that much. I had Phillip Michael Thomas in the celebrity deadpool...

   At least the children in Africa will be getting their Championship Broncos Tshirts

   funny the way some people speaks about a nation as they're personal beliefs !! Is cute to have an opinion ! Now sit down and shut it! don't speak for a whole nation.

   Don't care about Beetles...But yes, LOVE every Beatles song! P.S. learn to spell before you try to Dish someone...

   I want to have my date and eat her too.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Damn Aspirin."

   I just need like 3 or 4 girls I can be faithful to.

   Turns out, my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out, either

   Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean

   I'm that dude that responds to your text 3 weeks later with ;)

   my safe word is "is that blood?!"

   I got you something better than a present. I wrote "happy birthday dude" on your Facebook when a robot reminded me it was your birthday.

   If you want to undertake a survey to judge the public’s mood or feeling about something, someone or an event, please do not include people on social media because 90% of them are idiots.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian lock eyes... "I love you" Kanye whispers as he sees his own reflection in Kim's eyes.

   How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.