Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People got 20/20 vision to YOUR problems but be Ray Charles to they own bullsh*t.

   Do you have to go to the DMV to register as a sex offender or can you do it online? Asking for 14 friends and an uncle.

   It's not always about sex, sometimes the best type of intimacy is where you just lay back, laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other, and enjoy each others' company.

   No one wished me a Happy Birthday today. But then, today isn't my birthday either.

   I can remember when he was just Lieutenant Tso...when nobody respected his meat..

   So after a 7hr erection, do I seek out a Doctor or a Porn Studio?

   Trying to put together last night events. No tiger in the bathroom. No face tattoo, ....can't find my pants

   It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

   Relationship status: everything sounds like "marry me" through duct tape

   Maybe at tonights Grammy's, Justin Bieber will get the award of Demerit.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   Missed it by that much. I had Phillip Michael Thomas in the celebrity deadpool...

   At least the children in Africa will be getting their Championship Broncos Tshirts

   funny the way some people speaks about a nation as they're personal beliefs !! Is cute to have an opinion ! Now sit down and shut it! don't speak for a whole nation.

   Don't care about Beetles...But yes, LOVE every Beatles song! P.S. learn to spell before you try to Dish someone...

   I want to have my date and eat her too.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Damn Aspirin."

   I just need like 3 or 4 girls I can be faithful to.

   Turns out, my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out, either

   Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean