Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think of my whole day as "puttering around before bed".

   Women are like roads. They will take you to new places, they have beautiful curves, and I'm probably going to drive my car onto one soon.

   I just booked my Spring Break vacation in North Korea! I can't believe the cheap deal I got!!

   Before you ask me to leave, let me just say that some women would be turned on if I went through their underwear drawer.

   Another weekend.. another opportunity to ruin a woman for all other men who may follow in her life.

   That's all over the second we ride up ... troy's bucket

   I see your wallet. And I raise my prices.

   The first time I saw you, I thought to myself, "Is that for me?"

   So Apple makes the iphone larger, the ipad smaller (ipad mini) why not just switch names on them and call it a day?

   Trump would've had more speakers at the convention but they're were roster issues. Translation: Trump ran out of family members.

   I don't get what the big deal is: the entire Republican platform is plagiarized from my uncle's drunken Thanksgiving rants.

   Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep

   Cops think they are so cool, driving around in their flashy cars

   Americans don't need the upcoming Trumpcare CBO report. POTUS already tweeted that his plan was great, so why ruin it with statistical analysis?

   That was quick. Mooch is down, and I only need one Jeff Sessions for Trump Bingo ! .

   Portland Oregon is reported to have the worst air quality of any city in the world right now due to smoke. The question is, though: Is it smoke from forest fires or smoke from building fires?

   At a blood bank, a nurse extracts the blood. Wouldn't it be nice if the nurse at the sperm bank did the extractions too?

   It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by having Bernie and Nancy coming out as lovers

   She’s not angry...she just doesn’t like you.

   This program has been brought to you by Smirnoff Vodka. Smirnoff...soon to be the official drink of the USA.