Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a p°nis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an a55hole, his bestfriend is a pu55y and his owner beats him!

   You know who I can't stand? Flo from Progressive and Jared from Subway. I wish they'd hook up, then drive off a cliff while choking on a five dollar footlong.

   Attacking the rich is not envy, it is self defence. The hoarding of wealth is the cause of poverty. The rich aren't just indifferent to poverty: they create it and maintain it. This is America in 2016.

   We can put a man on the moon but we can't put a cat in the dishwasher

   I need a toothpick to remove this prius that is stuck on the grill of my hummer

   Porsche for sale C?HEAP! Needs some work.

   Here's one for the women.......................... It's a 5-speed vibrator kind of day.

   Tsunami works like this: If you don't go to beach, beach goes to you.

   no matter what happens in England my queen will always be Latifah

   FaceBook was shut down for 10min today.I could only imagine the baby boom to come in 9 months from now...

   s standing at the entrance of weight watchers eating A bucket of kfc, ha ha, how cruel am I :-)

   woke up with post-it note where one of his toes should have been. It said "Gone to market"....

   Oooo God, Facebook was down for about 30 mins or so, I'm predicting a baby-boom in about 8 months... =)

   I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

   Michael Jackson gets to go to heaven because he was doing things the priest were doing.

   Just heard the Octo mom called Casey Anthony asking her how to spell chloroform

   Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that's my Dad for ya.

   Breaking: French warplanes engaging Libyan air force. Related: France surrenders to Libya.

   less then 24 hours after Osama was killed , the US took custody of the body and dropped it in the sea? B.S. , he isn't dead... 1 word ... "RE- ELECTION"

   Some people are weak and can't handle life so they turn to drugs. Some turn to religion.