Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have to ask why I don't like you, you just answered your own question.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   They need to make a pop tart without all the crust

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   I swear, the next person who pisses me off will find out very quickly that my threats are empty.

   That awkward moment when you're chilling at the park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging a piano.

   The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called EVERYBODY'S USED THIS POST ONE TOO MANY TIMES!

   Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN... I'm hungry

   didnt find her way to the top of the food chain, only to get taken out by a cucumber!!!!

   What king od socks do Pirate wear?......AAAARRRGYLE

   I'm so hot I stalk myself.

   my son just said he just blew the ship up..."Daddy that is S..H..I..P.. not the bad word Ok"?

   Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect.

   Play any of the Terminator or Conan video games nowadays and amazingly the 'cheat codes' will be already be turned on.

   They need to make some people's mouth like a cell phone plan. When their Mouth Minutes run out, they shut up for the rest of the month....until they pay to talk to you.

   Pride Weekend? You know that you have hit it big when you get a song for a whole weekend. Way to go U2

   How are you going to sue Axe? Wether it attracts women or mosquitos, They are both blood-suckers :)

   8) A crowded elevator smells completely different to short people.