Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Randomly text your friends "I lost my phone, can you please call it?"... If they call it, it is important you keep them as close friends, they will be prove of great value when the zombies come.

   »»──────► To the knee!

   Dear Santa, when I said I wanted something blingy around my neck.... STREP THROAT is NOT what I had in mind :/

   I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   The look on the cashiers face when a fat girl purchases leggings.

   Just doing my daily check here to see what to post.

   Just found out the results of my mammogram - I tested positive for having boobs

   Can you imagine watching Jersey Shore in Smell-O-Vision?

   Three fastest ways of communication: Tele-Phone, Tele-Vision & Tell-a-Woman.

   "The cancer was initially treatable but the x-ray tech who saw it didn't bother to report it to the proper authorities.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, 4 cd's, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   Dear Public Restrooms, Please loosen the spindle for your TP. NOONE likes wiping their a$$ with a handful of confetti! Sincerely, Gotta Poop!

   If the g-string is any indicator, the g-spot is somewhere near the anus.

   i can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record, I can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record...

   "This dog,is dog,a dog,good dog,way dog,to dog,keep dog,an dog,idiot dog,busy dog,for dog,20 dog,seconds dog," Now read without the word (dog)

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   I think Kanye turned the power off because Beyonce gave the best Super Bowl performance of all time.