Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Randomly text your friends "I lost my phone, can you please call it?"... If they call it, it is important you keep them as close friends, they will be prove of great value when the zombies come.

   »»──────► To the knee!

   Dear Santa, when I said I wanted something blingy around my neck.... STREP THROAT is NOT what I had in mind :/

   I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   The look on the cashiers face when a fat girl purchases leggings.

   Just doing my daily check here to see what to post.

   Just found out the results of my mammogram - I tested positive for having boobs

   Can you imagine watching Jersey Shore in Smell-O-Vision?

   Three fastest ways of communication: Tele-Phone, Tele-Vision & Tell-a-Woman.

   Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

   when Trump said "Obama wiretapped me," he didn't mean "Obama wiretapped me." Which part of Obama wiretapped me don't you people understand?

   My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .

   We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.

   I hear tomorrow, Trump is going to plagiarize the Gettysburg address.

   Hey idiots, Donald said he's going to "cut Taxes" NOT "cut Texans"

   FOX News has the most embarrasing moments on TV EVER! Every time you think they're done embarresing themselves - WOW!

   The Land of the Free but don't exercise your freedoms because that's not patriotic.