Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It not such a big deal when an adult doesn't like you, but when a baby doesn't like you, it's devastating !

   if cows could fly, would they all migrate to India?

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can nail a three pointer while spinning in an office chair. You Sir, are what we call hired!"

   of course it was in the last place I looked....why would I keep looking in another place after I found it?????

   i've seen more a$$ then a toilet seat

   out making changes in his life... leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I dont get back to you - your one of the changes

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   Wondering if the inventor or "crotchless panites" was thinking "Outside the box"

   Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"

   I could never own a Jaguar because I'm embarrassed to pronounce it like the D-Bags that own them do.

   wondering if a strap-on is considered an artificial limb?

   - Like Kermit says, "It isn't easy being Rob Green"

   the plastic things at the end of the shoelaces are called aglets and their real purpose is sinister

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   They say bears are attracted to women on thier menstral cycle. Brave bears! Women don't have anything to worry about though because I think a 800 pound bear against a 100 pound women with cramps, it's pretty much a even fight don't ya think? In fact my mo

   Most of you are gonna stay up til midnight to see the new year in.....I'm gonna stay up to make sure 2009 leaves.

   Let's see how forthcoming my FBF'S are . Leave a swear word or your favorite cuss . I know most of you have potty mouths so go for it let loose.

   thinks a balanced meal is chocolate in both hands

   Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

   what you see is what you get this is me I cannot change the way I am because then I wouldnt be me