Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.

   I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

   A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.

   thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!

   .♫♪♫..it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas...♫♪♫

   DONT YOU HATE THAT KID WHO REMINDS THE TEACHER ABOUT TESTS OR QUIZES....

   Please stop calling me a "cracker." The correct term in "Saltine-American."

   I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."

   Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time

   you know you're getting old when you see a beautiful 19 year old girl and wonder what her mother looks like.

   A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he's just going to use it for drugs and alcohol, and then I thought... That's what I'm going to use it for